Larry Flynt and Joe Francis are bringing new meaning to the phrase ‘hard economic times’ by asking Congress for a $5 billion bailout package for the porn industry, in order to avoid pulling out of DVD sales and shooting a load all over the face of their retirement fund.

Both smut peddlers admit that while DVD sales are sagging like Nina Hartley’s boob job, Internet commerce is keeping the industry erect.  

But Flynt and Francis are more concerned about winning back the hearts, vaginas and dicks of the American people, who can’t even be bothered to get the lube out of the night stand with the economy so far down the crapper.

Francis, of Girls Gone Wild fame, likened his business to Apple Pie, the Star Spangled Banner and Bald Eagles, calling the porn industry “cherished” by the American people.

Flynt said that the people of America are too limp to be sexually active, something that is depressing the nation on the whole. “With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” said Flynt in a statement. “It’s time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”

Congress, still preparing to sit for their first official gang bang of 2009, hasn’t discussed bailing out Big Porno, presumably because they’ve already rolled over and gone to sleep after the rodgering they gave the auto industry.

Performer Magazine strikes again, feeling fit to publish some of my writing for some reason.

Check out my review of Chris Evil and the Taints Wanna Kill Kill Kill.